Peeper, I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to
write to you. It's just that everytime I would write,
I would cry. I got to the point where all I could do
was cry...until this week.

I have Peaches to keep Rainbow company now. She
doesn't replace you...but, your best buddy needed
company. Rainbow has been very sad since you left us.
I think it will be a long time before Rainbow can even
begin to heal. Even with Peaches right next to him. He
still won't eat right, and he won't eat the favorite
things that you and he ate together. Peeper, I believe
Rainbow has become attached to Peaches...but, she's
not you. I know that Rainbow will always have an empty
place in his heart that could only be filled by you.
Peeper, you would have liked Peaches. She was
abandoned the day you went to the hospital...and
that's how she came to live with me and Rainbow.
Please don't ever think I have "replaced" you either,
I never could. I loved you as a baby, I loved you when
you were ill, I loved you unconditionally. I loved you
alot Peeper and I know the empty spot in my heart will
remain empty, until the day you fill it again. That
space is only for you...and, there are other empty
spaces in my heart that are reserved for all of our
feathery furbaby family. With that, on with the
story...

As you can see, I have really been struggling with
your tribute...afraid that I would miss something
important. I did not expect to release so much grief
either. Between being ill and depressed, I just
couldn't write to you Peeper. I couldn't find the
right words to say "goodbye, my little buddy, Rainbow
and I will miss you terribly". Finishing your tribute
would represent closure. And, I don't mean forgotten
Peeper. I mean, accepting that you will never come
back home and that you have gone on a special journey,
to wait to be reunited...at Rainbow Bridge.

My little buddy Peeper. I have been thinking of you
all day long. As of today, it's been exactly fourteen
days since you left me and Rainbow. I haven't been
able to face the reality, and, that's why I couldn't
write sooner. I will always remember you no matter
what. I waited for you to be born, for nearly a year.
I believed I was doing a wonderful thing - giving you
as a gift - to someone special. Little did I know,
that we would end up together - after so many years.
He left all of us. We were abandoned, scared,
vulnerable, and our future's were uncertain. Peeper,
you were only a baby when I went to pick you up. When
the breeder called and told me you had been born, that
was a happy time. I don't think you enjoyed the long
ride home, 125 miles, but, that's how much you were
wanted. You joined our family and you loved it.

There were 10 of us then: Nikki was with us at that
time. He had been part of the family the longest,
since 1982. Rainbow was with us then too, since about
1992. He had a long drive home too. Almost as long as
yours Peeper. All of us enjoyed each other's company.
Especially when I had to go to college, work, and make
many changes in my life. Arnold-the yellow canary with
the most beautiful songs. I found Arnold in 1989, and
rescued him. The owner didn't want him because he had
growths on his feet. Yet, our eyes met...and Arnold
came home to be with us. It was about 1990 when Max
and Barney, the magnificent red canaries that sang as
loud as they could, joined our growing family.
Although, even together they were no match for Arnold.
But, you loved each other. Ozzie and Vanity, our
parakeets had been part of the family also starting in
1989. Ozzie was the silly white one, and Vanity was a
deep blue English budgie, much larger than Ozzie. They
loved each other from day one. We would discover, in
the future, that Vanity was a boy...but that didn't
matter. They were both happy in their shared
home-cage. Unfortunately, Ozzie came down with a
sudden illness...and Vanity didn't want any other
companion. So, Vanity remained alone in your shared
cage, and loved it. Dicky and Spookey, the playful
zebra finches. They were the noisiest little birds,
relentlessly, they would "peep" all day long...and
well into the evening. Spooky became ill one day, and
just as I thought she was going to be ok, she died
suddenly. There I sat, with this little lifeless white
body in my hands. So, I had to find a mate for Dicky.
Once he realized that Spooky was really gone, he would
spend entire days and nights crying out for her. He
and Spooky didn't really like one another, and never
really got along, so I was surprised by his reaction.
I was also apprehensive about locating another
companion. It hurt to listen to you grieve and I went
out and found the perfect match, Dusty. Instead of
white with a red beak, Dusty was a beautiful shade of
gray with a lighter red beak. Dicky and Dusty became
inseparable from the very beginning. They fell in love
with each other...and they were wonderful to watch.
They would constantly preen each other, sit on the
swing together, and they mated all the time, but,
failed to hatch their first clutch of eggs. I still
have the collection of their little eggs.

Back to you Peeper, you were such an adorable little
companion. Your intelligence was a great quality that
combined with your natural curiosity, made you even
more unique and special. You learned to talk, with
your little tiny voice. Eventually, and before Nikki
died, you developed a very wide vocabulary of words
and sounds. Nikki taught you a lot. Both you and Nikki
could say, "Suzie", "Pretty Bird", "I love you",
"thank you" and a few more. The amazing thing was that
you learned to squawk exactly like Nikki. The
cockatiel whistle-sound!!! I never knew this until
some time after Nikki died. One day I was sitting, in
the living room, studying. Peeper, at that time. you
were in Nikki's old spot on the wall unit. That's when
I heard you...I thought Nikki had returned...it was
you, Peeper! . Somewhere along the way, between
Nikki's laughing and my own, you learned and enjoyed
laughing. You developed a really great sense of humor.
Just like Nikki, whenever I was down, crying
especially, you would laugh at me! When you and Nikki,
(before he died) would laugh together, my tears would
turn to laughter.

I decided I had to fill that empty spot. So, I put you
there first Peeper. But, you were not happy there.
Within time, Rainbow eventually became the permanent
resident. Before Rainbow moved there, I had converted
that spot to my new aquarium. All I wanted, was to
have something living there, in Nikki's spot. I
thought that having fish would be a wonderful and
simple change. I didn't have to decide anymore which
one of our family would occupy that big, empty space.
It was great at first. Little did I know what I was in
store for. There came a time, when I realized that I
was always tinkering with the aquarium and it was just
never right. One fish would die, then, I would have to
tinker with chemicals again, to purify the water,
etc...I was having no time to spend with the rest of
our family. And, the fish at first were breeding, then
they started to die. I had a huge Ciclid fish, I will
always remember her face, that look that told me she
was dying. I had named her Buttercup...and, one again,
I lost another life and felt it was my fault. About a
month later, I was referring to it as the "Aquarium
from Hell". I began to feel sad because everything
that could go wrong, did. So, I emptied the aquarium
and gave it all away. Everything, including the
surviving fish to a teenager who had been wanting an
Aquarium for a very long time. He was able to make a
success with it. I couldn't bear to see Nikki's spot
empty. I loved you all and couldn't decide what was
best and which one of you would be happy there. So,
when it came to Rainbow's turn, he made the decision
that he liked it there...so, I didn't have to worry
about this anymore. Peeper, I will always remember the
many times I cried...and you laughed. Especially after
Nikki died. I remember sitting down, crying. You would
stared at me until you got my attention...and then you
would begin laughing. Again, I thought Nikki was back.
Nikki's spirit was definitely present. You could
imitate Nikki's whistle, and his laugh...you sounded
just like he did. For a long time Peeper, I appeared
to be the fool because I would brag about you and when
anyone came to visit - you would just sit there,
silent. I was never angry at you for this, but, I did
feel silly.

I remember teaching you how to perform an interactive
counting game. I knew in my heart, that you were smart
Peeper. I thought it would be good for you to
experiment and find out what you liked. I decided,
before we began, that if you didn't take to it and
have fun...we would find something else to do
together. You loved it! In no time at all, I was
increasing the amount of toys you could count. First,
I would ask you "Peeper...please...go in your corner",
and you did just that. You would immediately head for
your "waiting spot" on the left side of your cage, on
your favorite perch. I would place four brightly
colored toy balls, with bells inside (kitty toys)...on
each rung of your ladder. I would show you each one,
and assign a color and a number to each ball. Before
long, you were able to take them down, one at a time,
in the same order I placed them. Other times, you just
knocked all of them down! We had fun in those days
Peeper. You could count to 4 with ease and eventually
up to 7 during one playtime. I discovered you loved to
play! You would get excited and begin chirping and you
got fuzzy while I would show you each toy. You always
counted along with me from 1...all the way to 7. You
were so excited, and very impatient...yet, you would
always wait to hear me say "go" before starting the
game. As soon as you would hear "go", you would race
over to your ladder, on the same perch, and go for it.
You especially loved it when I would clap and cheer
you on. If we had company, you loved to play this game
even more. Very quickly, you learned to imitate my
response...you learned how to imitate my clapping and
also my verbal cheering. Somewhere, along the
way...you learned how to "ask to play" the game. You
would rush over to your waiting spot, chirp loudly and
constantly, make clapping noises until I came over to
play Peeper, despite all odds - you become a very
loving companion to me. This was not always true.
Peeper, when you were a baby - only about 4 weeks old
or so, you formed your first "human" bond.
Unfortunately, that important initial bonding was
critical in your development. (Once a bird bonds with
an owner, it's normally forever). I had given you as a
gift, and he handled you during the most critical
period of your personality development. You were just
a baby...you naturally became very attached to him.
One day, he left for work and he had forgotten to
close your cage door. I had left first, but I arrived
home before he did. There you were, hiding in a
corner, on the ground. You were bleeding from your
beak and shaking with fear. I will never forget how
scared you were. Reluctantly at first, you came to me
and allowed me to hold you. Peeper, your little beak
was seriously wounded and bleeding. This was the
beginning of infections that would eventually take you
away from me. I'm sorry little buddy, I think you
never understood that it was out of love and necessity
that I had to give you medication every day. With
time, your beak healed, but it also began to overgrow
and I had to start trimming your beak on a regular
basis.

By this time, he was already ignoring you...you hardly
came out any more, and you became very independent and
possessive of "your house". Once in a while, he would
let you out for a minute or two...that was it. He
didn't play with you anymore. Not even when you begged
to play your favorite game. I think you disliked me
because I was always the one to help you. I cleaned
you, gave you special treats, and kept your water
available and clean. He refused to have anything to do
with administering your medications and beak
trimmings...and so...naturally, you came to associate
these uncomfortable things with me. And, you weren't
getting the attention you needed and wanted from him.
So, you were a very unhappy, lonely bird at that time.

About 2 years later, he was no longer paying "ANY"
attention to you. So, you started to show signs of
neglect. Your daily attempts to get his attention -
failed. I remember how you would pace and climb all
over your cage. You'd swing wildly from the top of
your cage, and show off by jumping on your swing and
going through your repertoire of whistles, sounds,
words...and laughing. For such a teeny bird, you sure
learned how to make a lot of noise. I remember
watching you. You would pick up a toy (when you
thought I was not looking at you), one of the round
balls with the bell inside. With your beak, you
managed to hold the toy until you climbed to the top
of your favorite ladder. Then, you would toss the ball
down to the bottom of your cage (there was a wire
grill on the bottom), so you managed to make lots of
noise. The toys would land on the metal bars of the
bottom, each making a loud crashing sound each time
they landed. Peeper, you never gave up, you would
continue to make as much noise as possible. Most of
all, you wanted attention. You wanted to play. That's
how I came to spend time playing with you. You were
beginning to allow me to touch you, hold you, and your
trust was building. I could see it in your eyes.

Then, Peeper, you became neurotic, and began showing
your unhappiness in many ways. You stopped chirping.
then, you began plucking your feathers...until you had
bald spots on parts of your little body. These
inevitably became infected, and once again, the
process of giving you antibiotics started again...and
continued throughout your entire life. You were so
severely traumatized when he abandoned us in May of
1995. Within days, you exhibited heartbreaking
expressions of grief and sorrow by refusing to eat and
nearly starved yourself to death. I started to feed
you by hand, with a special mixture of apricot baby
food, cooked corn, peas, rice and beans. You had no
strength at all, so I had to puree everything before
feeding you. Each day, I would prepare fresh mash for
you. I would hold you, and feed you the tiniest amount
of mash. Bit by bit. One week later, I added vitamins
to your mash puree and through a tiny syringe (no
needle). I would fill the syringe with the puree, and
slowly, I would feed you - one drop at a time. I did
this by holding you as I inserted the tip of the
syringe into your beak. It was a very tedious
procedure Peeper, but, I was willing to do anything to
see you get better. If I were to feed you too quickly,
you would choke and possibly die. In time, this
process became less traumatic for you. However, a few
weeks later, I noticed you were not responding readily
and now you needed medical attention. After seeing the
vet, I learned that you had developed a
life-threatening infection...despite other
antibiotics. In June of 1995, I had to give you
injections consisting of 2 antibiotics, electrolytes,
vitamins A and D...2 times each day. At best, you had
only a 10% chance of surviving. As if we needed
anything else to deal with, it turned out that the
infection you had was airborne and contagious - to
both humans and animals. So, I had to give the same
solution to our 9 other family members. All ten of you
had to be on a strong antibiotic. This went on for 60
days, during which time we (Peeper, me, Nikki - our
whole family) were quarantined. We all had to follow a
long course, 60 days, of antibiotics. That meant me
too, and my best friend, and all of our family. (This
was before Nikki died). That was a very strange and
scary experience. You were such a trooper Peeper, and
you continued to allow me to give you antibiotics, and
food. You welcomed, finally, my soothing touch, you
let me love you, and you enjoyed the attention for
several months. You slowly began to respond to me and
you started to eat on your own. This was truly the
beginning of a beautiful relationship...a new,
healthy, emotional bond was finally developing between
us. That was a miracle. You were an unusual bird
Peeper. You showed me that miracles can happen. You
somehow managed to overcome the natural instinct to
love only your first human bond. Now, you wanted to be
with me, especially during meal times. You learned to
love potatoes, fruit, rice, and pasta (your favorite).
Then, Peeper, instead of silently hiding depressed in
the bottom corner of your cage, you began greeting me
ecstatically once I entered the front door. I could
hear you calling me as I walked up the stairs outside.

Each and every bird is unique just like each and every
other animal or human. Peeper, you had become an
individual...in a category all your own. Part of what
made you so unique Peeper, was that you had beaten the
odds. In addition to the medications and treatments
you survived. You even went on to develop such an
outgoing, happy personality ... even after the loss of
your original companion and went onto develop such an
outgoing, happy, personality. I know, Peeper, that you
felt the sting of being abandoned for a very long
time. The emotional scars began to heal, although
never completely. But, you became a very happy little
bird!

Your intelligence surpassed my own expectations and
continued to learn different tricks and new ways of
expressing yourself. Your loving nature allowed a new
bond to form between you and I. You slowly became very
loving and you developed trust in me. I could now
interact with you, play with you, and hold
you...Peeper, you turned into an extremely loving and
happy companion.

During this time, I grew to understand and appreciate
your special qualities. Every time I looked at you, I
would realize I learned some very valuable lessons
from this near tragedy. Peeper, you were a fighter,
and little did I know at that time, you would fully
recover and in turn, provide me with the special love
that I needed. I was so excited! I was now in college,
and I needed a subject for a term paper coming
up...the paper would count as 80% towards a passing
grade. I struggled to find a topic, one day, it came
to me...I decided to write about you Peeper. It was a
difficult assignment, but, you were an excellent
example of a wonderful creature. I will always
remember the last sentence of this paper... "I am
looking forward to spending many years with this great
bird!" You. I received the highest grade in the class,
even though I had to leave out a lot of important
details. I was limited to 6 pages maximum, double
spaced. For a long time, you remained happy and
healthy.

However, that changed...alot of things changed.
Peeper, you were so little, yet, your ability to love
was huge. You loved all of us and we were a family.
You learned things from other members of our family.
And, you developed a really wonderful personality. We
all bonded to each other and we planned to spend the
future together.

Before I knew it, the year was over and I had not been
able to complete my courses due to my illness, and
soon to come, my first bout with major depression and
extreme anxiety. I sought professional help, but, I
really needed my feathery furbabies. Peeper, I could
never give up on you. My feathered family was all I
had to live for. That, and, one special friend who
never gave up on me and without him, I would never
have made it this far, no less, survive, to write
about it. If I gave up on my life...I would have
caused you more pain. The year was nearing the end. As
if college, illness, and depression was not enough tov handle, I was violated by someone I knew, or, thought
I knew. That was another contributing instance that
would feed my depression and allow it to take over. I
was hurt, angry, and sad and I allowed myself to sink
into an even deeper depression. I knew, in my heart
and soul, that it wasn't my fault. I also knew I was
telling the truth. Peeper, during this time, I really
needed you. And you needed me. Not only was I ill and
depressed, but I felt as if my heart, soul, and my
body were being torn apart. My heart felt like it was
being ripped right out of my body - the pain was so
great. That pain was even greater when I was labeled
the victim, and people believed "his" side of the
story. That was it! I was tried and convicted by those
who loved me the most. I was to blame, and that was
all there was to it. Case closed. I was victimized
first, then again, by most of the people in my life at
that time. It was so ridiculous, and it hurt me more
than anything else. I withdrew from everyone and spent
most of my time alone, except when I was at college. I
confided in you Peeper. And Nikki too. Nikki knew my
whole life story...and he still loved and trusted me.
It was clear that nearly everyone denied my pain and
made it worse yet. My mom and my one best friend,
believed me. Since then I have always believed that
the truth would surface one day...unfortunately,
someone else would be hurt in the process. So, I tried
to put this all behind me and concentrate on taking
care of myself and my family. My feathery furbabies
were all I had...and...I knew they loved me no matter
what. In those dark, dismal hours of the night...I
survived, knowing that my feathery furbabies would
never turn on me. Many times I would get up in the
night, and get Nikki out and talk to him. Then Peeper,
I confided in you too. I began to talk more to Rainbow
too. Between the three of you, we began a cycle. Nikki
one night, Peeper one night, and Rainbow one night.
This way I didn't feel I was hurting anyone of you by
denying sleep. They gave me a lot of cuddles, reasons
to laugh, to cry, and did their best to make me feel I
was not alone.

Still, I was trapped within the black hole that I now
know as major depression. The depression started about
one year into college, then, one of my worst fears
came true...Nikki was getting old, 17 years old...and
he was looking as if he was losing his zest for life.
Nikki was diagnosed with a genetic disorder of the
liver, and he had a very repressed immune system. The
mandatory 60 day treatment of antibiotics had left him
very weak, and, he never returned to his original
healthy state...ever. He slowly deteriorated. The
first year, Nikki fought, and succeeded. The second
year, he still fought...then, one day, he started to
lost his balance, again...only worse. Nikki looked and
acted sad. I could tell he was giving up by the way he
looked at me...as if he could see right through me.
After the years of medical treatments, his beautiful
white body was so very weak. I tried one last time, to
keep him here with me. But, instead of cooperating
with me, he bit me when I tried to administer another
course of medications. Never, not once, in 17 years
had Nikki ever bitten me. Then when his illness
progressed, I knew in my heart that I would soon have
to let him go. I couldn't put him through another year
of medical visits and treatments. Keeping him alive
would have been cruel. Nikki died in my hands, close
to my heart and all I heard from anybody was "He's
only a bird". My one friend knew how I felt, since he
too, was an animal lover. Plus, Nikki really liked
him. He would go to this one friend, or me, nobody
else.

Arnold stopped singing, Dicky and Dusty stopped
peeping and stopped laying eggs. They were silent for
a while. Ozzie and Vanity knew too...for they became
quiet also. Max and Barney didn't sing anymore either.
Rainbow was depressed too. It was as if he felt my
pain. Did he know how sad I was? I believe he did.
Nikki was gone now. You and Rainbow were inseparable.
Rainbow always noticed when you were sad Peeper, and
was always there for you to play with and talk to.
Peeper, you started to adjust to our new living
situation, and you bonded deeply with Rainbow - and
the two of you were with each other, never separated
again. I was trying my best to pull myself out of that
damn deep hole called depression. But instead, once
again, I was pushed even deeper down that hole, and I
was still going downhill. Then, before I could recover
after losing Nikki-- Max and Barney died too. Peeper,
you loved them so much (the canaries)...especially
Arnold. You learned to sing just like a canary. See
Peeper, you were a parrot, but you didn't care. After
a while, I noticed you were depressed again. Even
though we still had Ozzie and Vanity (our budgies),
Dicky and Dusty (our finches), Rainbow (our lovebird),
Arnold - who was the most incredible bright yellow
canary who loved to sing his heart out. Arnold was not
in good health, and the owner was going to get rid of
him. Before I knew it, Arnold joined our family. He
had a disabling, ugly, disease on his feet and it
wasn't anything contagious, so he showed us his beauty
in song. We all came to love Arnold. But, we were all
still trying to cope with losing Nikki.

So many things were destined to happen and even I was
caught unexpectedly in crisis after crisis. My life
had become chaotic, in all ways. I was still very
depressed as I was trying to get through college. I
believed I had finally found my calling...I started
writing. Writing lead me down the path, to another
English class. Then, I got very sick. Now, I was
physically ill, and emotionally drained. The college
allowed me an extension which would allow me to work
on my courses from home. I did just that. I got to
spend more time with my wonderful feathery furbaby
family. Things once again, had taken a positive
turn...or so I thought. I was in survival mode... and
my life was getting too chaotic that I was still
unable to finish my college courses.

By March of 1997, I needed to make one of the most
difficult, painful choices of my life. I was a
straight A student (in the subjects I had completed).
It was a miraculous time, since I never finished high
school. It had been suggested that I "leave my life as
it was" and "move home to my mom's". That meant
leaving my apartment, material possessions, and before
I knew it, all the preparations to move had been done.
That meant having to accept that justice would never
be attained. One day, I couldn't take living in fear
any longer and I decided to move and make a new life
somewhere else.