You were born on Wednesday, April 5th, 2000. We brought you home six weeks later on a Saturday. You were such a small thing. Everything about you was small. Except your heart. That and your huge “pinky skin” belly!
Do you remember when you couldn't climb the stairs at Summit Park Rd.? Always having to be carried up. You did make valiant efforts to climb them. Front legs on the very edge of one step, hind legs desperately trying to follow. Going down was a little bit easier. You would just jump down, one step at a time. Never by yourself though. You always just wanted to “be” with us. With me.
Remember how you used to lay on my chest and go to sleep whenever I laid down on the “Guys” couch? I have a picture of that. The two of us, out like a light. Remember how every night that I was off, we would sit together on the “Guys” couch and watch T.V. I remember how you would get all flustered and annoyed if anyone sat in your spot. The right side was yours, the left was mine. That was our special place for just the two of us. Until I would lie back and use you as a pillow. You would get so mad at me and bite at my hair showing your disapproval and I would laugh and eventually sit up. Then everything was right with the world and you would settle down.
And you were the toughest German Shepherd in Rockland. You had your own tattoo. Always remember, that was my number that was tattooed on you. You are the only dog I have ever heard of that had one. Do you remember how I put Bacitracin on it when it was fresh? Remember that?
The first time you ever saw snow was priceless. You had no idea what it was or where it came from. I remember how I had to shovel a patch of snow in the yard for you to show you that grass was under it and it was ok to pee and poop. You loved playing in it. Getting covered in it, running through it, rolling in it. And the higher it was, the more you enjoyed it. You really liked eating it. Even though it would make you sick to your stomach… it still never stopped you.
Remember how you hated to be alone at night? Always having to be in the bedroom to sleep. And it had to be in your crate. If you weren't in your crate, you let us know about it and that you weren't happy!
Do you remember how you loved to be out in the backyard. The time you chased a toy all the way to the back and temporarily lost sight of me. How you cried and whimpered. I thought something was wrong, so I rushed out to find you . The moment you saw me, you started running as fast as you could to me, forgetting about the toy. I think you were scared, thinking that you were all alone.
The pool. You loved to show everyone how you could swim. I can go into the pool, I can go out of the pool, I can go into the pool, I can go out of the pool. I think if I let you, you would've done that till it was empty! Jumping down the steps and “Whish” you would swim a lap around, then right back up the stairs to “shake” about five gallons of water off. And I swear to this day you were smiling every time!
Remember all the birthday’s and Christmas‘s we shared. Some how you always knew the dates or knew when time was short on those holidays. New “babies” and squeaky toys. How you loved your babies. Ever since you were a puppy and had gotten your first “Baby” you would receive a new one every holiday and birthday. You would just carry them around with you and when you were upset about something you would sulk with them. They were your safety blanket, your comfort zone. Every birthday had vanilla cupcakes with the birthday song that you always happily howled to. Every major holiday with “special” dinners that always consisted of everything that was cooked.
All the times we sang together. Me, you and Lamb. Singing “Poopin’ in my Yard” to the tune of “Duke of Earl”, “Feed me my Mother Fuckin’ Dinner” to the theme of Star Trek Voyager and “A little bit of Levi“ to the sound of “Mambo # 5“. I know, deep in my heart that you recognized these tunes and you and Levi would howl to their beat. No one will ever tell me different. Not a chance!
Your “Bell’s of Disapproval”. Nothing but sleigh bells on a leather strap that hang. But when you didn't like something that was going on, you would walk up to them and nudge them with your nose till they rang, letting all in the house know… you disapproved of what’s going on and it better stop. Do you remember all the times we played “Foot”? As long as I was wearing some kind of footwear it was game on. I would tap my foot on the floor and you would attack and growl with such ferocity till it stopped moving. You were so proud and happy that you beat that bad foot. You always did win at that game. Do you remember that?
Remember your “pipe”. A piece of 4” black drain piping about three feet long? You would carry that around, sticking out either long ways over your nose like a prosthetic or long ways, knocking it into everything in your path. You loved that pipe. I think I finally got rid of it after you chewed it to death.
And “Light”. You love that damn laser light. You would chase that for as long as we let you. Running in big circles, following it when we used to shine it on the fence. Never taking your eyes off it. Growling when you couldn't catch it. But you never gave up. Not once.
Remember how every night you would come to me in bed. You would nudge me in the face with your nose, waiting for me to gently pat you on the head. That was our special way of saying “Goodnight my friend, I’ll see you in the morning”.
Do you remember the last time we played in the yard and the last time we played “light“? It was Sunday, January 9th, 2011. You were squeaking away with your football in the snow. Growling and “getting” your small Jolly Ball. Frolicking in the snow. You were so happy. Even when my feet got cold from the snow, I didn’t care. You were having a happy moment and that’s all that mattered to me. Later when it got dark I tried to get you to play “light” one last time. You tried valiantly… but I saw it wasn’t in you anymore. You did perk up a bit, but your running and chasing were over. That’s when the first crack was heard. The first crack of my heart. Tonight is the last night we will ever have together… No more “guy’s couch”, no more “light”, no more “foot”, no singing… just the slow cracking of my heart…
Do you remember? Do you remember all the good times… all the times that we shared together? The trips to the firehouse? The trip to my Dad’s house where you pooped on his prized grass? The Halloween and New Years Eve parties? The BBQ’s out on the patio and deck? All the special dinners? All the treats and toys?
Do you know how much I love you? How much I care for your well being? Do you know how much you mean to me? How important you are to me? I hope and pray that you do. I hope you know that when you go, a big piece of what remains of my heart also goes with you. You were one of the very few “good” things that I've ever had in my life. You showed me what unconditional love is... And taught me how to love unconditionally. I will never forget what you brought into my life… joy, happiness, contentment and fulfillment… as well as sorrow and grief in these last days. You are my Bestest Buddy. My Bestest Friend. You always have been and always will be. You… are my heart…
You were born on Wednesday, April 5th, 2000. Diagnosed with cancer on Thursday, December 9th, 2010. It was confirmed with a CAT Scan on the following week, Thursday, December 16th. The initial vet’s report told me that you'd last about 2, 2 and a half months. They lied… You stopped eating Thursday evening, January 6th. You would just eat little bits here and there. Today, January 10th, 2011 you went to sleep for the final time at 1:43 PM.
Good-bye my Bestest Buddy… my Bestest Friend… I will love, cherish and miss you always…
Right now I'm devastated. Completely destroyed. He was my heart. He was my Bestest Buddy. My Bestest friend. Now he's gone...
The guilt is unbearable.
All the missed opportunities to play and go for walks. All the times I was "too busy" with nonsense, meaningless things that I would task myself with. Things that really didn't matter. I beat myself up daily about those times. And all my big guy wanted was to just be with me. I would gladly trade everything I own just for one more day with him. All I can do is hope and pray that he knows how much I love him and what he really means to me. How much I miss him...
Our last day together he rallied. He ate three soup bowls of breakfast. We went out in the morning darkness and played a little laser light in the snow. Not the way he used to, but he did perk up enough to play a little. Later in the sunlight he played with his football with his sister, Lakota, then with his Jolly Ball. Went inside to take a nap, recharged himself so we could have our last few walks together in the yard. Making fresh paw prints in the snow. But I know in my heart, he was going above and beyond for my sake. I could tell from his bloody stool and his constant need to rest he was coming to the end. When the vet showed up, that's when I started to loose it. To be honest with you, I have never in my life, felt this kind of pain, felt this kind of despair. If it wasn't for Lakota, Levi (sister and brother German Shepherds), Missy and Mister (brother and sister cats) I don't know where I would be.
The following day he was cremated and I brought him back home. I took a walk where he and I had our last walk. I took pictures of his foot prints in the snow. His paw prints are easily identified by their size. He had huge paws.
Later that night around 10:30, I took Levi and Lakota out for a last pee call. When I opened the door I saw it had been snowing again for some time. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks, just as hard as the first time I cried. His prints were gone. Covered up. That's when my heart finally broke into two.
Beelzebub is the first pet I've ever had. He is my bestest friend, bestest buddy and confidant. He and I bonded the first day we met and it got stronger and deeper over time. I can't even remember what my life was like before him. I have no idea how I'll go on without him. I guess just day by day. God I miss him so...
Light a candle in Beelzebub's memory, for a sick, abused, or special needs furbaby,
or perhaps just someone who needs a prayer and a candle lit.