a couple days ago, when i was sitting on the couch, trying to choke back
tears, out of the blue my 3 young daughters just started silently and at the
same time went around the house and gathered up small pieces of his hair and
each one brought them to me, placing them in my hands. i just hung my head
and sobbed, with my hands held open. didn't take long before i had more
than my hands would hold. i put that in the bag with his favorite big fuzzy
pink blanket he's had for years and years. i'm so afraid all of his blanket
and pillows will start to lose his smell.
Bubby, run with all the others...play and jump and smell those beautiful flowers.
Don't eat too much of that grass, though...i know yoiu won't be able to help yourself,
It's irresistible but you know what it does it you.
For Nike's mom...he looks so lovable and sweet. wish i could just kiss that
beautiful face. i'm sure he's one of the few doggies my boy would tolerate,
even learn to love. Bubby had a bad reputation everywhere we've ever lived
of intimidating all of the neighborhood dogs~~ he'd chase any dog, no matter
how big or ferocious~~he'd stare them down and give them a big, long hiss
and scream at them, all of his fuzzy black hair would stand on end...looked
like a fat, fuzzy black chow chow and he'd run after them and they wouldn't
come around again...in 18 years, no dog has ever stood up to him. it was so
embarrassing because i love doggies, too. i would have to come out and yell
at him to stop but he didn't care. he'd be too mad and would just keep on
running after them. i've apologized to many, many neighbors and dog owners
over the years for his behavior. then, i'd have to hike all over the
neighborhood, calling "BUBBY...I HAVE TURKEY!!! COME TO MOMMY!!!" (his
favorite thing in the world, fresh deli turkey. and corn. usually all I
had to say was "TURKEY!!" and he'd come running).
He was an indoor baby but DEMANDED to go outside at least once a day. He'd
go to the door and screen a blood curdling "OOOOWWWWW!!!!" that sounded
just like he was saying "OUT!!" he always had a special meow for everything
he wanted to say to me. and i totally understood his language. and he
totally understood mine. we lived 5 different places in his 18 years and I
always made sure we had a big back yard for him, weren't next to a busy
interstate, etc. i got him when he was just 3 weeks old, he was neutered as
a tiny kitten, but was still so territorial and jealous and would pick a
fight anything that moved. sometimes neighbors would be outside and they'd
yell at me "Bubba went that way". sometimes they'd just point in his
direction. everyone knew him.
i'd pick him up, still hissing and so mad. he'd be growling, with ears back
the whole way home. but when we'd walk thru the front door together, i'd be
telling him how bad that was and he'd look at me and give me this sweet
little innocent, soft "mmmmoooooww" and my heart would melt again.
sometimes, when we'd be outside together working in my flowers, strangers
would drive by and say "my God, that is the biggest cat i've ever seen!"
i've had people offer me money for him. so funny. i'd tell them there is
no amount of money i'd take for him. wish i could unearth all of the
pictures of him in his heyday.
how can one human produce so many tears for so long?? i don't eat much
these days. like i get choked when i try to swallow. i literally have a
lump in my throat and food doesn't go past it. but man, do i stay thirsty.
nancy, tate, has Puffy or Libby sent you any signs yet?? my 11year old
daughter said this morning i told her sometime during the night (when she
woke up to go to the bathroom) "i saw Bubba but he didn't see me."
i wonder what that meant. am i dreaming about him but not remembering when
i wake up? i try, before i go to sleep, to clear my mind, to free myself of
a bit of the pain, just so i don't have that negative barrier that they say
prevents them from coming to us. i pray for him to come to me. i just want
to feel that connection, physically, again. even if only in my mind.
my tears aren't just for me. i swear, i grieve for each one of you, also.
so many beautiful love stories, so much love. the most powerful energy on
earth. i know it has to extend beyond this life. i'm so proud my boy
Bubba is with all of your babies. and that he is able to get along and
even periodically, secretly nuzzles with sweet doggies such as Nike and
Ruger Boo Boo .
i hope you all will be at the candlelight ceremony tonight. i'll be
there~~hope our babies can join us somehow.
love
you all, cherie.
