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April 9, 2008 - Wednesday
Bips
Current mood: sad
A month has passed since we lost my baby girl. My heart is still breaking. Some songs just send me over the edge and the tears start flowing. Life is just not the same since she left us. I still have stuffed animals shoved between the slats on our headboard so if in my sleep I reach up I can still feel something soft.
I miss her so much. I feel like people are thinking, just get over it, she was just a dog. But she wasn't. She was a "people" too. She was my first dog, the one that comforted me at night when I was lonely when Scott was traveling, the one that kissed my tears away during hard times. She was my friend that showed unconditional love. How do you get over that? I probably never will. I can't imagine what it is to loose a child, but this feeling that is constantly in my stomach must be close.
Two weeks ago I had an experience, which I would like to think was Bips coming to tell me she was still with me. I was sitting on the front steps with April. The neighbor was out walking his little Yorkie. He asked me why the brown dog was sitting in the window. My heart sank and I was speechless. He then pointed to Zach's window. I had to say something he was mistaken, seeing something in Zach's room that looked like a dog? As I walked up to him to explain, I looked at the window and saw nothing, not even something that could have been mistaken for a dog. As I told him what had happened he said "You have got to be kidding. I saw a dog in the window." The tears welled up and I had to walk away. I wanted to see her too. I went inside and told Scott what I saw; he didn't believe it and said "You're going to believe an old blind guy?" I told him that maybe he was seeing more than we can. I went back outside and sat on the side of the house crying. Tippy, our cat meowed from across the street and came running to me. With her came such a feeling of peace, as she climbed into my lap I suddenly knew it was ok. She ran off shortly after that but the peace stayed. I continued to cry and then I could almost feel Bips fur, feel her kisses. I knew she was ok and it was ok to miss her. I haven't felt her since.
I don't know if I have lost my mind or not, I would like to believe that she did visit me. I know that the pain of losing her will ease someday and I will be able to think of all the happy times without tears.
When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me, And I am not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, All filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry, The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, We didn’t get to say,
I know how much you loved me, As much as I loved you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me to,
But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready, In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind, All those I dearly love,
But as I turned and walked away, A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die,
I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you,
I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had,
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you, And maybe see you smile,
But then I finally realize, That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, Would take the place of me,
And when I thought of all the worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow,
But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,
He said, “This is eternity, And all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past, But here life starts anew”.
Author Unknown
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